When i was about 13 years of age, my parents took me to Disney World, aka: the Magic Kingdom, specifically, to the Epcot park. Now for those of you who haven't been there, it's really quite a lovely place. And when you're a 13 year old male, just growing out of your "King Diamond Falsetto" voice and smacking the hard wall of puberty at 100 miles an hour, it's also a lovely place to view young ladies.

Now, of course, as with any self respecting little heavy metal kid of the 80's , i decked myself out in my cut off Ratt T-shirt, a pair of gym shorts, and those stripey gym socks that we used to wear up to our knees, finished off with my Puma low top sneakers. And my "almost" metal hair curled like the wings of an angel around and behind my ears gently falling the large distance to my lower neck.

God, i was metal incarnate...

(Mind you, this is the 80's we're talking about here so don't use any of this against me.)

So, as the story goes, we were walking into the Universe of Energy, i believe. i, of course, walked several paces behind my parents (oh the horror if anyone actually KNEW i was with them: it would be uncool and VERY un-metal). Well, as fate would have it, alas and forsoothe, i spotted a delightful young girl working the Fruit Slurpy stand a bit past the entrance.

It is at this point in our adventure that i should explain the layout of the area. Now, for anyone that knows a bit about Disney, or amusement parks in general, to accommodate the long lines, they have many steel poles connected by ropes for the visitor to walk through, until days later, when you actually get to the front of the line and are able to enter the attraction. Usually one waits in that line and progresses VERY slowly.

On THIS cheery sunny day, however, we walked through at an alarmingly fast pace. My skinny little legs pumping in the hot Florida sun, my big stripey knee socks hanging on for their very lives to my scrawny calves... The big RATT logo on my T-shirt announcing to the world that i was a force to be reckoned with, and God help you if you got in my way...

Damn, i was cool!

i was really struttin' my stuff when i made the big move and looked over at the hot chick working the Fruit Slurpy stand. i was in the zone, baby! And she looked back and smiled!

Right as i ran smack dab directly into one of those metal poles i mentioned before.

Now, as you can imagine, those poles come just short of EXACTLY at the level of a 13 year old boy's genitalia. i'm talking about little WeeWillie here, folks. For my foreign visitors, uh... right in Der Kilbossa.

Now, unfortunately not only did i suffer the pain of hitting one's twig and berries directly into a metal pole...

...but, i also managed to perform a complete flip over the pole and onto the awaiting concrete in front of spectators, in front of the Universe Of Energy in Disney World, and most importantly... in front of the object of my desire.

Ouch.

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